Divorcing Digestibility - from the good girl with a rebellious flair.

Plus, the song that triggered this thought spiral in the hopes you follow your own path to being unapologetically YOU. After all, you're alive, and you only have one wild and precious life. 💫

I’ve always been the ‘good girl with a rebellious flair’.

It started with dyeing my hair the most fluorescent colours I could find in my teens, leading to piercings and tattoos that were more than frowned upon and wearing clothes with the goal of ‘how many patterns and colours can I wear at once’. It’s the classic story of the ‘black sheep creative’ figuring out how to express themselves with a family of non-musician Christians growing up in the middle of nowhere, deep in the valleys of the Welsh countryside.

As a wee little ‘un I used to sing at church and people would comment on my voice, so the seed of praise was planted early. But my first access to any form of instrument was when my parents took me to a horse auction (and not the thoroughbred, high-end horses kind, sadly, this was the bottom of the barrel, meat-market kind).

I vividly remember the chaos and noise being overwhelming—muffled Welsh words over megaphones as buyers crowded round, hoping to steal a bargain, bidding in full swing. The smells of greasy burger vans mixed with hay and horses, fresh leather from the market stalls selling saddles and tack, being bumped through the crowds of big burley farmers. And then… at the back of the barn: musty furniture—big wooden dressers, tables… and a piano.

An old upright—marbled, dusty, with decorative flowers carved into the edges. It was out of tune, but it was perfect. And as soon as I started playing the keys, I knew it was for me.

My parents, however, needed a little more convincing. After a fair few minutes of promising I’d learn to play and wrapping them round my little finger with all my 8-year-old ‘good girl’ might, they bought it for the ripe ‘ol price of £2, yup… £2 (and if you don’t believe me, you can ask my mum, I even have receipts).

From then on, I was hooked.

I taught myself chords by plonking about with songs I already knew, driving the rest of my family stark mad in the process. They ended up lugging the piano into the hallway so they could shut the door and keep the noise out. At first, I didn’t have a stool or enough space for a chair, so I’d be on my knees reaching up to the keys.

I was young and it was all just a bit of fun. I had no idea that people did music for a living or any comprehension of what that would mean—as I said, I grew up in the valleys!

It wasn’t until I was about 12 or 13 that I started putting words to chords. The first song I wrote was about my best friend cheating with my boyfriend. I didn’t know how to confront her (or him), so I put it into a song that I never shared. It was the first experience of not knowing how to process emotions, and the release that came from writing and singing about it was addictive. It truly felt like… well… a release! Or, as my poetic side would say:

“It was a mournful lament to soothe the soul of a soon-to-be teenager navigating her way through those tumultuous and tender years of becoming a woman.”

My piano became my reprieve. I sat and divulged every ache and longing (with the same few, very limited chords I’d managed to plonk about with) for years.

This was a very long-winded way of saying that I’ve always written with heart. It’s always been my solace.

But when it came to taking it more seriously later in life, to making a career out of it, I thought in order to be successful, I needed to find a way to fit in so that people would like it, would like me.

I wanted to be good at it.

I got swept up in making my music digestible, following trends and working with EDM labels for numbers (when I don’t even really like EDM music 🤦🏻‍♀️).

I forgot that all I really wanted was to show sweet little Lu-Lu and the people around her that following your heart and creating a life of meaning through doing what you love was possible. That freedom is possible.

So here we are. A few decades later, still figuring it out, but finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to be digestible; in fact, I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I can create what I love, and the rest will figure itself out.

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Maybe that’s one of the gifts of getting older; you reach your 30s and are hit with the BS of feeling ‘old and done for’, grieving dreams you thought would be reality and life looking different to what you’d thought. But caring less and less about what people think, and caring more about how you feel, and how you want the rest of your life to feel.

I’ve spent too long waiting to be perfect, waiting for my music to be perfect, and yes - it’s a hard place to move from, but it’s also freeing.

The freedom to create for creation’s sake. Because I’m an artist. Because you’re an artist.

I love making music, and I love finding ways to express and intertwine my thoughts and feelings into songs. Through this freedom, I’m leaning into experimenting with more interesting structures, reflective ambiguity in the lyrics, and unique sounds. Referencing songs I grew up listening to, bringing my history into the present (more on that in the song below and 5 gold stars to anyone who guesses who the ref was).

For the first time, I feel like I’ve started to find ‘my sound’, and it’s different to what I’ve made in the past (the pop-packaged structure, tied in a neat little bow). It feels exciting and fresh—at least to me!

I’m not trying to be a copycat of the alt-pop baddies I spent so long aspiring to be. I’m leaning into making a version of my art that feels like me. And listen—I know the pop format like the back of my hand, I’m sure there’ll always be a piece of that in my music. But the point is that I don’t need to package myself in a way that makes me ‘sellable’. I’ve spent far too long trying to do that, and it hasn’t worked, so it’s time to go off script.

As I say, I’m not sure if this is a rite of passage of getting older or from years of creating. But it feels exciting that Chris (my partner and producer) and I can wake up on a Saturday morning and say, “Shall we make some music today?”—and within a couple of hours, have something we feel excited about (I’ve attached it to the bottom if you’d like to listen. The creation of this song is what prompted this whole article!).

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I know this music won’t be for everyone, and that’s okay. I’m coming to a place where I can say I don’t care. Because after so many years trying to make myself something everyone will like, it’s draining, and guess what—it’s impossible! I’ve been burned far more than I care to admit, so it’s time to do things differently and care less about the outside noise (but please… be nice to me, okay? I’m still a creative, which means I’m still a sensitive little bean).

I know this isn’t an essay with practical ‘tools, tips and tricks’. But I hope that by reading this, you give yourself permission to be yourself and to express whatever it is wanting to come out.

Be so unapologetically yourself that people will either be triggered by you, or addicted to you.

So, I say this to you as much as I say it to myself.

• You don’t need to make yourself smaller to fit in.

• You don’t need to become a digestible version of yourself where you show juuuusttt enough heart but not too much in case it puts people off.

• You don’t need to be anything other than who you are.

You’re only going to do yourself more harm in the long run.

Be as wild and honest and as vulnerable as you dare to be.

I’ll be right there alongside you.

Plus… what is ‘fitting in’ anyway? (yawn).

✨

And now… for the MUSIC!

This is the (VERY ROUGH) song we created in a couple of hours with the lyrics beneath, and yes, I used the gibberish technique I talked about in my previous post, ‘harnessing the magic of music’ which you can check out here.

This is ‘Breathe Me Back To Life’…

Won’t you lay down your silly woes

Restless deep from the lifeless dreams you seem to keep

Hollow haunting holds you hopeless, you watch time decease

In this world you're afraid of living in

In this world you're afraid of living in

Why try, why try

So you wander in darkness

Deeper into the forest

Dirty feet in the earth as you promise

The devil’s just on the surface

Through the thorns a path unknown

You cut your hands to save your soul

Nick of blood it whispers down

You can’t turn back there’s no way out

So you crawl to your knees

Pray to the sky

Hoping they hear you and breathe you back to life

Oh

Breathe me back to life

I’m alive

Breathe me back to life

Thanks for being here and for spending your precious time reading my thoughts (and listening to my music). I really appreciate you.

If you resonated with anything I said or sang, I would be so grateful if you’d give this a cheeky re-stack and drop me a comment letting me know what you thought, it means a lot (and I know everyone says that, but I pinky promise I mean it!).

Keep creating with your wild and wonderful heart, the world needs it.

Until next time ✨